did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
