Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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