I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need moral support for this bender
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
