i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
