i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
