Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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