In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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