He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize