Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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