and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
as a side note pls kill me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
