I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
