Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
