Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
