Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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