Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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