Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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