I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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