you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
