there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
