Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize