How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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