i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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