Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
