At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
