you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
