WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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