I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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