so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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