If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
