Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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