I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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