I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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