Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
