my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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