He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
