he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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