i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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