Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
