Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
