Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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