That's intense
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My vagina just clenched in fear
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
