I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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