My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
