So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Michael Bay diarrhea
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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