Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
