Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
