I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
