You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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