I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think your dad took our porno
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
