They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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