chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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