dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
