I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
