I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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