its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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