i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dicks are not precious.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
