a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
