Are we in a gay sports bar?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just pee around me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
