I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
