Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
