I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
