I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
