It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
