My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
