well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need a beard to bite.
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