Yo dont text me then not text me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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