If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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